The BMW Corporation has today caused shockwaves throughout the automotive industry, after CEO and president Richard Rich announced to shareholders that the car company will be phasing out indicators on all future vehicles – stating that they have clearly become redundant.
“The fact is, only a tiny fraction of drivers are using them,” said Rich, in his quarterly report to the company. “Just take a five minute drive through any major metropolitan city and you’ll see that the indicator has become an antiquated vestigial of a simpler, less asshole-filled time.”
“Instead,” Rich explained, “modern motorists have been forced to develop a kind of ‘sixth sense’ for when other motorists may be merging into their lane. A light tap on the brakes by the car ahead, or the telltale swerves of someone checking their side mirror, these have taken the place of the old clunky system in which a motorist uses a clear flashing light in order to avoid causing a fatal collision.”
Rich also pointed to recent surveys, which have found that a majority of drivers on the road consider indicators to be little more than an inconvenience, with respondents complaining of fatigue and exhaustion that result from having to slightly lift their hand off the wheel from time to time. “The occasional death on the road is a small price to pay if it means not having to go to all that effort of flicking a small plastic switch with my finger,” said one concerned commuter. “Not to mention the mental toll of having to remember to switch it off again once I’ve completed making my turn.”
“Are you telling me I’m supposed to be watching the road, sending texts, eating food AND remembering to indicate, all at the same time? What am I, the rainman?”